Wet with tears

She yelled wiping away her tears. All i could do is stand there and think of him. Of how we dont have the chance to cry together, to scream at eachother. True love. Im filled with emotion to a point where i cant keep it in anymore, but i am caught. Im caught in the middle of a feud, so I run away, run upstairs, close the door. In the darkness sitting at the edge of my bed, I collapse. My cheeks are wet with tears, I love him so. If she could only understand the depth of my emotions, the shadows behind my life. They will never know why I left. Why I leave all the time.

Is it him? Or is it the idea of "him" that i weap for. That I long for. I feel trapped in this emotion in this state of mind, where nothing is attainable. Does that make sense? Do I make sense? Why does crying feel so bad?

I need to step outside.

Letter into the abyss

I forgot i had this blog. I forgot how screwed up and honest I was on it. Ive been keeping another blog, a familly friendly, highly censored blog. One which I now hate, I miss these unexcusable rambles.

And I know no one reads this, no one could possibly be following me. But im still sending this letter into the Abyss, because now I know that I've done it. Its all about selfishness.. and a bit about hope.

Why do I only rant late at night?

1am

its 1am,
i had one of those weekends. my brother was down from the far east which meant familly supper, familly chatter, and familly gossip. You know when you enter a room and suddenly everyone acts a bit strange as though they have just been talking about you. Well this weekend was filled with those.

First it was my sister... "So whats going on with you?" "Wheres your girlfriend?" "Is there something wrong with you?" No there isnt something wrong!!! lay the fuck off...

Its not that they care, there just curious. they feed on peoples problems and gossip even though it ends up hurtting them in the end.

As much as I love them they make me wanna run away and never look back. im soo different from them and there all soo.... alike.

If they only knew.

I dont know why the fuck i write this blog, maybe I want to get found out.


Oh

The weirdest thing happened.. My step-mother, in the midst of familly chatter, yells out to me and says; "OH! Did you see Brothers and Sisters last weekend???" and im like "hmmm, maybe... yeh... why?" then with a big smirk on her face says; " Well they had the first gay ceremony on tv!!"

My mouth dropped, I didnt know how to react.. the room went silent. Everyone was looking at me, and she just stood there with a smile on her face. soo i said "ok.." in a tone where it sounded like i didnt care. Then after the most awkward silence ive ever had to endure, I said something about the food and changed the subject entirely.

I still don't know how to take that. Was it was trap? Was is planned? Or does she genuinly think that I would be interested in knowing that? You must understand that my step-mother and I rarely talk, so for her to go out of her way and ask me such a question is realllyyyyy weird and unlike her. And it was clear that my whole familly picked up on that.

looking back, i feel as though i should taken advantage of the situation but I was soooo caught off guard. To me it kinda looked like she just wastnt thinking.... Soo it might'have just slipped out, which means she probly had it in her mind that im gay. Am i right? Or am i just hoping for something thats not there?

Anyways, I have a shit load more to say, but ill save it. Im tired and my grammar/spelling skills aren't the best tonight, soo ill save u the discomfort and leave it as that.

nite.

maybe ill stay up till dawn tonight.

My love affair with blur.

The part of the word addiction that pains me the most is add. An addition, A.D.D. Everything in my life has become an addiction an overindulgence. Its as if im straved for everything, and everything i do becomes intensified in my own destructive way. For example I developed some sort of OCD when it comes to things that waste my time, im obessed with things that bring me the most pleasure in the least ammount of time, and everyhting else in my life takes the backburner. This isnt jsut for small things this is for significant issues and practices that have dominated my life. I feel trapped in my addiction, an addiction too addiciton. I don't know how to live my life anyother way. Im not content with sitting down and readding a book, or wasting 1 hour to cook potatoes. But im not saying what im doing with my life is entirely goal oriented and pregressive. Its the opposite, its full of uselessness, but to me they dont seem useless because when i do them i forget about everything, it becomes blurry, I like blurry.

blurry is my home and im very territorial.

New Post, Old News

When I dont blog, its a good thing. a good sign. It means that things are acually going well in my life, or at least the dilluted plastic film that can be called my life. My University career is reaching its end and i still have the same anxieties and discontent that welcomed me on my first day. Im running on a tredmill - going nowhere - too exhausted to push the big red STOP button. Instead I run faster hoping it will all be over. Okok thats a bit dramatic but its how i feel sometimes - and is it gonna stop?

Surprise!!! A few big Fs were starring at me in the face yesterday when I went to look at my trainwreck of an audit. Im not an idiot, I just dont do the work, dont go to the exams. I have issues.

I don't care who reads this blog, or if anyone reads it at all. This is my therapy... my 4am words of wisdom so I can try and enjoy the sweet release of sleep.

I like the quietness of night, its here that i get to thinking, or maybe im just trying to avoid the dreadful coming of morning, where new expectations will become of me.

Fuck it all.

Im moving, to a new city. A new place, a new life. I need change, i crave it like an addiction. Life isnt good without change.

Well blah.

So much for a forced blog. Ill be back. Wow that was so Terminator of me.

Method to my madness.

So i just heard that one of my friends is going to Europe for 6 months... yes i know... that bitch. This just further intensifies my itch to travel, to see whats really out there. New York City is calling me and it's hard to not answer the call, im getting tired of deleting its messages on my machine. >< What can i do? No one will understand me if I just decide to pack up and leave, people are gonna think im insane and lost my mind. Sometimes i think that im going through some sort of early mid-life crisis or the total opposite in that I still need to grow-up. Every day i'm inching my way closer to my graduation and im realizing more and more that work life freaks the hell out of me. The idea that my life from then on is gonna be this horrid 8-5 nightmare filled with income taxes and pension plans; only awaiting the sweet release of death makes moving forward almost impossible. I feel as though every essay I write, every exam that I pass, and every class that I attend brings this inevitable "doomsday" closer and closer. I wish i could press a button and life would come at a standstill, no pressure no stress just living.

Oh and btw yes it’s late... its 5am a new record in blogging. Now to try and get some sleep.

The dawn breaks, my eyes shut.

On we go.

Dealing with it.

Soo i started seeing someone a few months ago. We met online, which was a first for me. Wasn't sure what to think at first, "this guy must be a freak, or just wants to rape me then leave me out for dead". We chatted for about 3 weeks before it was decided that its time to meet face to face. I was expecting some fucking akward shit, but it wasnt. I started to wonder halfway throughout my chevre how much times he must have done this. Everything was a bit too smooth, the convo was great and the drinks kept on coming. He was 7 years older than me. Kinda sketchy if it wasnt for his young looks. Anyways all being said after getting home that night, somethign didnt feel right. Felt like i was out for drinks with a friend rather than out on a date, we flirted but nothing amounted to anything. I know hes attracted to me and I think he's pretty hot... but no sparks i guess. Maybe he wasnt interesting enough for me. So we stoped talking for a bit, but kept in touch with the occasional text here and there. When November rolled around our texted became more and more frequent to say the least, we were in communication at least 3-4 times a day. So i decided to give it another shot, a second date to see if anything progressed. We went to the movies to see the Mist. Now that i think about it maybe the movies wasn't the best choice. We barely talked but at least i got to sit next to him in the dark for 2 whole hours. :) Like i suspected nothing changed from the first date, we were still just friends and didnt seem to be moving anywhere. am i missing something here? Or shouldn't we have at least shared some kind of intimate moment by now... Well we didnt and I was done. My final exams came along and he asked me for a third date. I accepted but couldnt find the time (or wasnt trying...) We haven't spoken since. The texts, chatting and calling stopped. WE still share the occasional poke on facebook, but as far as i can see it its just dating that went sour. The reason why im even writing about this is because i can't seem to get him out of my head! Maybe i just need a guy. something to push him out. im getting anoyed. maybe i just need to deal with him.