Dealing with it.

Soo i started seeing someone a few months ago. We met online, which was a first for me. Wasn't sure what to think at first, "this guy must be a freak, or just wants to rape me then leave me out for dead". We chatted for about 3 weeks before it was decided that its time to meet face to face. I was expecting some fucking akward shit, but it wasnt. I started to wonder halfway throughout my chevre how much times he must have done this. Everything was a bit too smooth, the convo was great and the drinks kept on coming. He was 7 years older than me. Kinda sketchy if it wasnt for his young looks. Anyways all being said after getting home that night, somethign didnt feel right. Felt like i was out for drinks with a friend rather than out on a date, we flirted but nothing amounted to anything. I know hes attracted to me and I think he's pretty hot... but no sparks i guess. Maybe he wasnt interesting enough for me. So we stoped talking for a bit, but kept in touch with the occasional text here and there. When November rolled around our texted became more and more frequent to say the least, we were in communication at least 3-4 times a day. So i decided to give it another shot, a second date to see if anything progressed. We went to the movies to see the Mist. Now that i think about it maybe the movies wasn't the best choice. We barely talked but at least i got to sit next to him in the dark for 2 whole hours. :) Like i suspected nothing changed from the first date, we were still just friends and didnt seem to be moving anywhere. am i missing something here? Or shouldn't we have at least shared some kind of intimate moment by now... Well we didnt and I was done. My final exams came along and he asked me for a third date. I accepted but couldnt find the time (or wasnt trying...) We haven't spoken since. The texts, chatting and calling stopped. WE still share the occasional poke on facebook, but as far as i can see it its just dating that went sour. The reason why im even writing about this is because i can't seem to get him out of my head! Maybe i just need a guy. something to push him out. im getting anoyed. maybe i just need to deal with him.

little miss redemption

there something that needs to be said about overdoing things. we beocme numb, senseless and driven by this compulsion to need more.filters of our own worlds, except that we filter other people. WE become good at it experts they say. Experts at seperating the weak from the strong in but meer seconds. a picture a maneurism a comment sets them apart. No substance just pure lust. I see alot of them, objects they become. some stay while alot get rejected. sad but also a reflection on me. on us. on this space we call a place. FEw are the judicators while many are the judged upon... the contenders.

some pretend they dont know her, ask her where shes from. but they know they remember... who can forget such a face. Yet im still here alone. While she gets the glory i seek, nothing comes my way. Only dirty old faces. nothing of my desire from which i grew from her.

I in turn become numb from her misdoings from her many rejections that spew out like casualties from a battlefield. The wounded and the sore. She becomes me. she is. little miss redemption.

shitty

So it’s Thursday night, or should i say Friday morning. Blah 4am how tragic am i? Theres something about me that doesn’t let me sleep until im completely exhausted to a point where i have to crawl to my bed. Im still facing the same things... and i haven’t done my new year’s resolution yet... ive giving myself another deadline extension... this time i have until my bday which is in a month. I know ive given myself enough time already and i hate myself for doing it but i cant seem to do it.. ill always have excuses i need someone to fucking grab a hold of me and make me scream it. Its like jumping into a pool for the first time, you have no idea how its gonna feel.. it might be the worst feeling in the world and u might hate it or it might be the best thing you’ve ever done. Except for this, once you’ve jumped you cant go back. Your stuck in that pool forever. Pray that your a good swimmer.
I did fuck all today, skipped a class... which is of no surprise. I dont know what im doing in university, sometimes i just wanna run away from it all and move to NYC get a random job and just live. I want to do that so much sometimes that its overwhelming and scary. I think i might actually do it, the more i think about it. Central park... comeon, the people, there nowhere else to be than NYC, maybe get a small Upper west side appt. I would love it. I would die.
Fuck... anyways im done.

Blurb with a nice view.

So I've just started this blog and its already hard to keep up with it. altough, this new laptop has brought some more ease of access it's still provingly difficult.

Last night before going to bed i decided to write down a few blurbs about what i was thinking. This was on the spot borderline teraputic writting. hope you like it!

____ Jan 3rd ____


Im writing from what i consider the most beautiful place on earth. My cottage just outside of Ottawa. Its simple in it's quiet elegance, nature, familly and most importantly it's sense of serenity and balance. I feel like i can take on the world when im here. Nothing can stop me. Its 1:30am and im staring outside into a darkened frozen lake. Little lights twinkle in the distance. No noise, no city, just me and nature and our twinkling neighborly lights saying hello. i would one day love to own a little piece of heaven like this. Maybe not here, but somewhere where i can feel the way this place makes me feel. liek everyhting is going to be ok. that theres nothing to worry about. no feelings of sworow no tears of sadness. just the water and i, and our beloved affair. If some of you know me, you'd know that im not big on astrology, but im a pisces. And yes it is just a conincidence that i love water. although im open to the idea that it may not be just a conincidence, that maybe just maybe my life can be tap'ed into...i find it fun to read a simple paragraph that seems to sum up my problems in a few short lines of text. Although unrealisitic its humbling.
Everyone is sleeping, except my estranged cat and I. i can hear his claws clack agaisnt the marble floors as he struts around in the darkness. His name is carm. And i love him to death! Hes a 17 year old (human years) orange taby. Hes my big tiger. grrr. he has so much personality that its sometimes shocking.
I want to find my own piece of heaven one day. hmm scratch that, heaven is such a loaded term, id rather use something along the lines of paradise? or whatever...

The reason i started to write this blog is because ive decided to live my life, and i want to share that with you all! Its time i do and its time i do it the way i wanna do it. no sugar coating no mirrors of smoke machines, just me myself and I , - its all i got, and from now on im gonna be my own best friend. lol
anywyas its time i get going
goodnight! and...
on we go. together!

____Jan 3rd____

Happy Friday!

One of many to come!

Well it's the 2nd of January, and new years day has just past. It's the time of sobering up, facing the facts, and realiszing what you've gotten yourself into. For the past 2 years I've been an avid blog reader but never actually making one myself. So as this new year's resolution I've decided to change that and make it! And stick to it... hopefully.

Soo this is me!

Here we go.