1am

its 1am,
i had one of those weekends. my brother was down from the far east which meant familly supper, familly chatter, and familly gossip. You know when you enter a room and suddenly everyone acts a bit strange as though they have just been talking about you. Well this weekend was filled with those.

First it was my sister... "So whats going on with you?" "Wheres your girlfriend?" "Is there something wrong with you?" No there isnt something wrong!!! lay the fuck off...

Its not that they care, there just curious. they feed on peoples problems and gossip even though it ends up hurtting them in the end.

As much as I love them they make me wanna run away and never look back. im soo different from them and there all soo.... alike.

If they only knew.

I dont know why the fuck i write this blog, maybe I want to get found out.


Oh

The weirdest thing happened.. My step-mother, in the midst of familly chatter, yells out to me and says; "OH! Did you see Brothers and Sisters last weekend???" and im like "hmmm, maybe... yeh... why?" then with a big smirk on her face says; " Well they had the first gay ceremony on tv!!"

My mouth dropped, I didnt know how to react.. the room went silent. Everyone was looking at me, and she just stood there with a smile on her face. soo i said "ok.." in a tone where it sounded like i didnt care. Then after the most awkward silence ive ever had to endure, I said something about the food and changed the subject entirely.

I still don't know how to take that. Was it was trap? Was is planned? Or does she genuinly think that I would be interested in knowing that? You must understand that my step-mother and I rarely talk, so for her to go out of her way and ask me such a question is realllyyyyy weird and unlike her. And it was clear that my whole familly picked up on that.

looking back, i feel as though i should taken advantage of the situation but I was soooo caught off guard. To me it kinda looked like she just wastnt thinking.... Soo it might'have just slipped out, which means she probly had it in her mind that im gay. Am i right? Or am i just hoping for something thats not there?

Anyways, I have a shit load more to say, but ill save it. Im tired and my grammar/spelling skills aren't the best tonight, soo ill save u the discomfort and leave it as that.

nite.

maybe ill stay up till dawn tonight.

My love affair with blur.

The part of the word addiction that pains me the most is add. An addition, A.D.D. Everything in my life has become an addiction an overindulgence. Its as if im straved for everything, and everything i do becomes intensified in my own destructive way. For example I developed some sort of OCD when it comes to things that waste my time, im obessed with things that bring me the most pleasure in the least ammount of time, and everyhting else in my life takes the backburner. This isnt jsut for small things this is for significant issues and practices that have dominated my life. I feel trapped in my addiction, an addiction too addiciton. I don't know how to live my life anyother way. Im not content with sitting down and readding a book, or wasting 1 hour to cook potatoes. But im not saying what im doing with my life is entirely goal oriented and pregressive. Its the opposite, its full of uselessness, but to me they dont seem useless because when i do them i forget about everything, it becomes blurry, I like blurry.

blurry is my home and im very territorial.

New Post, Old News

When I dont blog, its a good thing. a good sign. It means that things are acually going well in my life, or at least the dilluted plastic film that can be called my life. My University career is reaching its end and i still have the same anxieties and discontent that welcomed me on my first day. Im running on a tredmill - going nowhere - too exhausted to push the big red STOP button. Instead I run faster hoping it will all be over. Okok thats a bit dramatic but its how i feel sometimes - and is it gonna stop?

Surprise!!! A few big Fs were starring at me in the face yesterday when I went to look at my trainwreck of an audit. Im not an idiot, I just dont do the work, dont go to the exams. I have issues.

I don't care who reads this blog, or if anyone reads it at all. This is my therapy... my 4am words of wisdom so I can try and enjoy the sweet release of sleep.

I like the quietness of night, its here that i get to thinking, or maybe im just trying to avoid the dreadful coming of morning, where new expectations will become of me.

Fuck it all.

Im moving, to a new city. A new place, a new life. I need change, i crave it like an addiction. Life isnt good without change.

Well blah.

So much for a forced blog. Ill be back. Wow that was so Terminator of me.

Method to my madness.

So i just heard that one of my friends is going to Europe for 6 months... yes i know... that bitch. This just further intensifies my itch to travel, to see whats really out there. New York City is calling me and it's hard to not answer the call, im getting tired of deleting its messages on my machine. >< What can i do? No one will understand me if I just decide to pack up and leave, people are gonna think im insane and lost my mind. Sometimes i think that im going through some sort of early mid-life crisis or the total opposite in that I still need to grow-up. Every day i'm inching my way closer to my graduation and im realizing more and more that work life freaks the hell out of me. The idea that my life from then on is gonna be this horrid 8-5 nightmare filled with income taxes and pension plans; only awaiting the sweet release of death makes moving forward almost impossible. I feel as though every essay I write, every exam that I pass, and every class that I attend brings this inevitable "doomsday" closer and closer. I wish i could press a button and life would come at a standstill, no pressure no stress just living.

Oh and btw yes it’s late... its 5am a new record in blogging. Now to try and get some sleep.

The dawn breaks, my eyes shut.

On we go.

Dealing with it.

Soo i started seeing someone a few months ago. We met online, which was a first for me. Wasn't sure what to think at first, "this guy must be a freak, or just wants to rape me then leave me out for dead". We chatted for about 3 weeks before it was decided that its time to meet face to face. I was expecting some fucking akward shit, but it wasnt. I started to wonder halfway throughout my chevre how much times he must have done this. Everything was a bit too smooth, the convo was great and the drinks kept on coming. He was 7 years older than me. Kinda sketchy if it wasnt for his young looks. Anyways all being said after getting home that night, somethign didnt feel right. Felt like i was out for drinks with a friend rather than out on a date, we flirted but nothing amounted to anything. I know hes attracted to me and I think he's pretty hot... but no sparks i guess. Maybe he wasnt interesting enough for me. So we stoped talking for a bit, but kept in touch with the occasional text here and there. When November rolled around our texted became more and more frequent to say the least, we were in communication at least 3-4 times a day. So i decided to give it another shot, a second date to see if anything progressed. We went to the movies to see the Mist. Now that i think about it maybe the movies wasn't the best choice. We barely talked but at least i got to sit next to him in the dark for 2 whole hours. :) Like i suspected nothing changed from the first date, we were still just friends and didnt seem to be moving anywhere. am i missing something here? Or shouldn't we have at least shared some kind of intimate moment by now... Well we didnt and I was done. My final exams came along and he asked me for a third date. I accepted but couldnt find the time (or wasnt trying...) We haven't spoken since. The texts, chatting and calling stopped. WE still share the occasional poke on facebook, but as far as i can see it its just dating that went sour. The reason why im even writing about this is because i can't seem to get him out of my head! Maybe i just need a guy. something to push him out. im getting anoyed. maybe i just need to deal with him.

little miss redemption

there something that needs to be said about overdoing things. we beocme numb, senseless and driven by this compulsion to need more.filters of our own worlds, except that we filter other people. WE become good at it experts they say. Experts at seperating the weak from the strong in but meer seconds. a picture a maneurism a comment sets them apart. No substance just pure lust. I see alot of them, objects they become. some stay while alot get rejected. sad but also a reflection on me. on us. on this space we call a place. FEw are the judicators while many are the judged upon... the contenders.

some pretend they dont know her, ask her where shes from. but they know they remember... who can forget such a face. Yet im still here alone. While she gets the glory i seek, nothing comes my way. Only dirty old faces. nothing of my desire from which i grew from her.

I in turn become numb from her misdoings from her many rejections that spew out like casualties from a battlefield. The wounded and the sore. She becomes me. she is. little miss redemption.

shitty

So it’s Thursday night, or should i say Friday morning. Blah 4am how tragic am i? Theres something about me that doesn’t let me sleep until im completely exhausted to a point where i have to crawl to my bed. Im still facing the same things... and i haven’t done my new year’s resolution yet... ive giving myself another deadline extension... this time i have until my bday which is in a month. I know ive given myself enough time already and i hate myself for doing it but i cant seem to do it.. ill always have excuses i need someone to fucking grab a hold of me and make me scream it. Its like jumping into a pool for the first time, you have no idea how its gonna feel.. it might be the worst feeling in the world and u might hate it or it might be the best thing you’ve ever done. Except for this, once you’ve jumped you cant go back. Your stuck in that pool forever. Pray that your a good swimmer.
I did fuck all today, skipped a class... which is of no surprise. I dont know what im doing in university, sometimes i just wanna run away from it all and move to NYC get a random job and just live. I want to do that so much sometimes that its overwhelming and scary. I think i might actually do it, the more i think about it. Central park... comeon, the people, there nowhere else to be than NYC, maybe get a small Upper west side appt. I would love it. I would die.
Fuck... anyways im done.

Blurb with a nice view.

So I've just started this blog and its already hard to keep up with it. altough, this new laptop has brought some more ease of access it's still provingly difficult.

Last night before going to bed i decided to write down a few blurbs about what i was thinking. This was on the spot borderline teraputic writting. hope you like it!

____ Jan 3rd ____


Im writing from what i consider the most beautiful place on earth. My cottage just outside of Ottawa. Its simple in it's quiet elegance, nature, familly and most importantly it's sense of serenity and balance. I feel like i can take on the world when im here. Nothing can stop me. Its 1:30am and im staring outside into a darkened frozen lake. Little lights twinkle in the distance. No noise, no city, just me and nature and our twinkling neighborly lights saying hello. i would one day love to own a little piece of heaven like this. Maybe not here, but somewhere where i can feel the way this place makes me feel. liek everyhting is going to be ok. that theres nothing to worry about. no feelings of sworow no tears of sadness. just the water and i, and our beloved affair. If some of you know me, you'd know that im not big on astrology, but im a pisces. And yes it is just a conincidence that i love water. although im open to the idea that it may not be just a conincidence, that maybe just maybe my life can be tap'ed into...i find it fun to read a simple paragraph that seems to sum up my problems in a few short lines of text. Although unrealisitic its humbling.
Everyone is sleeping, except my estranged cat and I. i can hear his claws clack agaisnt the marble floors as he struts around in the darkness. His name is carm. And i love him to death! Hes a 17 year old (human years) orange taby. Hes my big tiger. grrr. he has so much personality that its sometimes shocking.
I want to find my own piece of heaven one day. hmm scratch that, heaven is such a loaded term, id rather use something along the lines of paradise? or whatever...

The reason i started to write this blog is because ive decided to live my life, and i want to share that with you all! Its time i do and its time i do it the way i wanna do it. no sugar coating no mirrors of smoke machines, just me myself and I , - its all i got, and from now on im gonna be my own best friend. lol
anywyas its time i get going
goodnight! and...
on we go. together!

____Jan 3rd____

Happy Friday!

One of many to come!

Well it's the 2nd of January, and new years day has just past. It's the time of sobering up, facing the facts, and realiszing what you've gotten yourself into. For the past 2 years I've been an avid blog reader but never actually making one myself. So as this new year's resolution I've decided to change that and make it! And stick to it... hopefully.

Soo this is me!

Here we go.