1am

its 1am,
i had one of those weekends. my brother was down from the far east which meant familly supper, familly chatter, and familly gossip. You know when you enter a room and suddenly everyone acts a bit strange as though they have just been talking about you. Well this weekend was filled with those.

First it was my sister... "So whats going on with you?" "Wheres your girlfriend?" "Is there something wrong with you?" No there isnt something wrong!!! lay the fuck off...

Its not that they care, there just curious. they feed on peoples problems and gossip even though it ends up hurtting them in the end.

As much as I love them they make me wanna run away and never look back. im soo different from them and there all soo.... alike.

If they only knew.

I dont know why the fuck i write this blog, maybe I want to get found out.


Oh

The weirdest thing happened.. My step-mother, in the midst of familly chatter, yells out to me and says; "OH! Did you see Brothers and Sisters last weekend???" and im like "hmmm, maybe... yeh... why?" then with a big smirk on her face says; " Well they had the first gay ceremony on tv!!"

My mouth dropped, I didnt know how to react.. the room went silent. Everyone was looking at me, and she just stood there with a smile on her face. soo i said "ok.." in a tone where it sounded like i didnt care. Then after the most awkward silence ive ever had to endure, I said something about the food and changed the subject entirely.

I still don't know how to take that. Was it was trap? Was is planned? Or does she genuinly think that I would be interested in knowing that? You must understand that my step-mother and I rarely talk, so for her to go out of her way and ask me such a question is realllyyyyy weird and unlike her. And it was clear that my whole familly picked up on that.

looking back, i feel as though i should taken advantage of the situation but I was soooo caught off guard. To me it kinda looked like she just wastnt thinking.... Soo it might'have just slipped out, which means she probly had it in her mind that im gay. Am i right? Or am i just hoping for something thats not there?

Anyways, I have a shit load more to say, but ill save it. Im tired and my grammar/spelling skills aren't the best tonight, soo ill save u the discomfort and leave it as that.

nite.

maybe ill stay up till dawn tonight.

My love affair with blur.

The part of the word addiction that pains me the most is add. An addition, A.D.D. Everything in my life has become an addiction an overindulgence. Its as if im straved for everything, and everything i do becomes intensified in my own destructive way. For example I developed some sort of OCD when it comes to things that waste my time, im obessed with things that bring me the most pleasure in the least ammount of time, and everyhting else in my life takes the backburner. This isnt jsut for small things this is for significant issues and practices that have dominated my life. I feel trapped in my addiction, an addiction too addiciton. I don't know how to live my life anyother way. Im not content with sitting down and readding a book, or wasting 1 hour to cook potatoes. But im not saying what im doing with my life is entirely goal oriented and pregressive. Its the opposite, its full of uselessness, but to me they dont seem useless because when i do them i forget about everything, it becomes blurry, I like blurry.

blurry is my home and im very territorial.

New Post, Old News

When I dont blog, its a good thing. a good sign. It means that things are acually going well in my life, or at least the dilluted plastic film that can be called my life. My University career is reaching its end and i still have the same anxieties and discontent that welcomed me on my first day. Im running on a tredmill - going nowhere - too exhausted to push the big red STOP button. Instead I run faster hoping it will all be over. Okok thats a bit dramatic but its how i feel sometimes - and is it gonna stop?

Surprise!!! A few big Fs were starring at me in the face yesterday when I went to look at my trainwreck of an audit. Im not an idiot, I just dont do the work, dont go to the exams. I have issues.

I don't care who reads this blog, or if anyone reads it at all. This is my therapy... my 4am words of wisdom so I can try and enjoy the sweet release of sleep.

I like the quietness of night, its here that i get to thinking, or maybe im just trying to avoid the dreadful coming of morning, where new expectations will become of me.

Fuck it all.

Im moving, to a new city. A new place, a new life. I need change, i crave it like an addiction. Life isnt good without change.

Well blah.

So much for a forced blog. Ill be back. Wow that was so Terminator of me.